sick day

You guys last week I called out sick for the first time since I've been here. It was amazing. It's one of the greatest things I've ever done.

I was totally exhausted since the director was in town to put in Kate's replacement so we had been rehearsing every day in addition to doing the show at night. I had that floppy feeling you get right before all hell is about to break loose in your immune system, but I wasn't full-out sick yet so I figured I'd wait until disaster hit before I called out.

Apparently I've been a very resilient Sophie thus far having gone three months without ever calling out. Usually people in this role call out regularly since the part requires more singing and stage time than almost every other role in the show. Plus the desert climate and nasty air condition are always messing with your voice and make you feel generally terrible while you're still adjusting to the new environment. The contract allows one sick day every 28 days and most Sophies take advantage of that. But being the work-horse that I am I let my stubborn pride determine my state of health rather than letting my actual health determine my state of health and I had convinced myself that I should be able to make it the whole 6 months without ever missing a show. Great plan.

But on Tuesday, I noticed that I could barely muster the energy to leave the house long enough to buy soy milk. The grocery store is literally next door and I was putting water on my cereal, but I couldn't even put on a pair of jeans to walk to the car. I also noticed that reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets seemed like an exhausting chore and even the thought of leaving the couch to go get the book from the bedroom made me want to take a nap.

So I tortured myself all day about whether or not I was physically able to do the show that night. "I can do it!" I would reassure myself followed immediately by "Oh my god there's no way I can do it." Then repeat that scene for about 4 hours. I thought of Celine Dion (as I often do in times of need) and how the night I saw her show was right after she'd just canceled a week of performances due to illness. She explained how hard a decision it is to cancel a show, how you feel even worse once you do call out, and how the only reason she would ever cancel a show is because she is physically unable to do it. And doing a show, she reminded us, is not just being able to hit the notes and go through the dance moves. You have to feel it too.

If I had to go to work at Fleur de Sel, I thought, I wouldn't call out sick because I could go to work at Fleur de Sel and fake my way through service. I could put on a smile and half-ass a good mood for the length of a shift. But I couldn't do that with the show. Like Celine said, I had to really feel it every time and it would have been worse to perform it half way than to not perform it at all. So, like a middle schooler calling a cute boy, I mustered all of my courage, practiced what I would say and called Jeff to tell him I was calling out.

As soon as the phone call was over, I had a surge of nervous energy and thought I should call him back and say, "never mind! I can do it! I'll do the show!" But when I stood up to get my phone, I sank right back down in a flu-headed heap. There's no point in destroying your voice and body for Mamma Mia Las Vegas I told myself. This is for the best.

I slept for 12 hours that night and the following night (though I did go back to work the next day) and by Thursday, I felt like a new person. I realized that I'd been sleep deprived for the past 3 months and that all of my insecurity, social awkwardness, constipation and lack of enthusiasm for the show was just because I was tired. I honestly thought that I was going through some weird phase in my life where I didn't really want to hang out and I didn't have the energy to get through a show anymore and I was starting to think that this was just part of getting older: you're tired all the time, you have bad digestion and you have to wear more make-up to look good. All those things may be true but luckily in my case it turns out I just needed a day off. I can't wait to take another one a few months from now.